I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
