Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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