please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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