her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
