the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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