sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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