Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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