Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
