i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize