Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
