I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
