My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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