Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
