Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
