Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I can't put those talents on a resume
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
