i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
