All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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