Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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