I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My bed smells like the plague
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
