i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
