allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
