never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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