Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
