I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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