i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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