I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
