My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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