I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
