i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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