I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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