you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
