Define "chronic" masturbator.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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