This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
