____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She's the barista slut.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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