im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
