You made me cry and you don't even care
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
