He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
