we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
