I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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