Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
