she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
