Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
