also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
