Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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