Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize