I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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