I faked an abortion last night.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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