I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
