which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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