Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
