One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
