my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Semen is not good for contacts.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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