There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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