omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
