I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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