You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
