Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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