I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
