I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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