I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
