So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
why does every cop we meet know your name?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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